


haustoria

by shizuruu



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dermatillomania, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mania, Mental Illness, Psychosis, medical drug usage, suicide ideation, use of medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 16:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4571868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shizuruu/pseuds/shizuruu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>noun; a slender projection from the root of a parasitic plant, such as a dodder, or from the hyphae of a parasitic fungus, enabling the parasite to penetrate the tissues of its host and absorb nutrients from it.</p><p> </p><p>On a Saturday night the Shizu-chan changes to Shizuo and you throw up because you nearly died that night on the rooftop. You head home with the aid of a switchblade and don’t show up in Ikebukuro for weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	haustoria

> **haustoria**
> 
> _noun; a slender projection from the root of a parasitic plant, such as a dodder, or from the hyphae of a parasitic fungus, enabling the parasite to penetrate the tissues of its host and absorb nutrients from it._
> 
> * * *
> 
>  

Your mother nearly strangles you when she finds out you’ve cut your thigh on purpose – and it was an interesting reaction for sure and you were very interested in the blood moving about in the wound as you squeezed and prodded it. In the hospital she says you got into a fight with a classmate and dismisses it as “boys will be boys” with a strained expression on her face, the doctor looking unconvinced.

 

Still they sew it up so you don’t scar and you’re given a lollipop for the bravery – you’re not sure whether giving you a lollipop for bravery at 13 years of age is necessary but you don’t ponder it for too long – and your mother never speaks of it again.

 

You learn to hide wounds from her then and experiment on your body only when she’s not at home.

 

* * *

 

 

Shinra, despite his love for dissecting people doesn’t show the same kind of excitement you do when you show him how nice you can cut into your wrist without hitting any important arteries. His eyes are wide but not with the usual interest but instead with disgust and disturbance. He tells you to never do it again and you don’t really understand.

 

You don’t bring it up with him again though. Now you’ve learned your lesson – you know that what you’re doing isn’t socially acceptable and so you learn to hide your habits.

 

* * *

 

Your first episode comes when you’re sixteen and sitting on the rooftop of a quite high building. You’re bored and the sweet buzz of insects waking up to the newly coming spring relaxes you. It’s after a fight with Shizu-chan and you feel adrenaline buzzing through your body as you suddenly realize that you can fly.

 

This realization comes easily to you and it’s very natural – and the urge to test it is even better, you feel the wings on your back supporting you and so you decide to fly.

 

Your first flight ends with a broken rib and a shattered arm.

 

The doctors fix it all but this time they don’t give you any lollipops for bravery – instead they threaten you with hospitalization and have psychiatrists come over and inspect you. They hmmm and mmmm at you but they never tell you anything relevant.

 

You know that what happened to you was due to the adrenaline so you don’t care about what they have to say and when they let you go home with a prescription of antipsychotics, you feed them to your fish. Next morning the fish are dead, floating in the tank.

 

It just serves to prove that the medication they’ve tried to force on you is some kind of poison.

 

Your mother never checks to see if you take it anyways.

 

* * *

 

Shizu-chan decides to smoke cigarettes and it’s absolutely disgusting. You decide to tell him that.

 

“You’re the one that’s disgusting, flea,” he grunts but he doesn’t bother to throw anything at you as he usually would.

 

He’s boring and he’s not paying attention to you – and if he’s not paying attention to you, you’re gonna make him pay attention.

 

Schizu-chan proceeds to chase you around the school after you manage to scratch his ear with a switchblade. It still doesn’t feel right though, the whole world is too slow and you need it to go faster and harder and it’s so boring and your fingertips are very cold. You also decide to tell him that.

 

“What the fuck are you complaining about, huh? First you piss me off, then you complain when I’m not pissed off enough?” Shizu-chan growls and you laugh laugh laugh.

 

“Entertain me,” you sigh and there’s empty in your chest and suddenly you feel very very tired.

 

Shizu-chan leaves.

* * *

 

 

You have to visit the hospital again in two years time – just on the verge of your adulthood. This time it’s because you fuck up trying to carve a long thin line into your skin (the thought is, that the aesthetic of it will be intimidating) and you accidentally cut too deep. It’s not deep enough to bleed out and die but it’s enough to freak out Mairu when she enters your room.

 

At the hospital they ask you all sorts of questions again – if you exercise, if you have a girlfriend, how long has this been going on, what about your previous medication. You tell them that you threw all the medication in the fish tank and that it was in fact poison as the fish died. A lady in a red sweater nods and writes something down in her notepad.

 

They let you out after two days since you’re not a threat to yourself or your surroundings and you get another bottle of medication – this time though they tell you to come for check-ups. Your mother doesn’t know, or she doesn’t want to know, your father… isn’t around.

 

You move out a week later.

 

In your new apartment you have no sisters and no mothers and no fish. Shinra visits – oohs and aahs as he inspects your bedroom, bathroom, kitchen combo. It’s not big, you say, but I like it.

 

You start taking your medication – 1-0-1 – and go to the check-ups regularly.

 

Your mind becomes slower and less urgent. You don’t necessarily dislike it but you don’t really like it either. You take your job seriously and you gain quite the reputation, but at night sometimes you scratch at your thighs and wrists and wake up with blood on your bed sheets.

 

It’s not until you’re twenty one that you can finally stop going to the check-ups. You start overworking yourself and exercising a lot. You find Celty’s head.

 

You realize this is your calling.

 

* * *

 

_“PUT CELTY’S HEAD AWAY OR I’M GONNA SMITE YOU!” Shizu-chan yells at you from underneath. Thirteen stories. The railing is frail and balancing on it takes quite some nerve. You’ve never had problems with that._

_“Shizu-chan, I’m gonna be immortal and you’re gonna die,” you giggle._

_You’re not very coherent anymore but you can see the halo around your head whenever you look in the mirror and you know that if you don’t do it now, it will never happen. It makes sense – because if Celty drives to find you dead on the sidewalk and finds her head there, she will take you to Valhalla. And the dead kids on the sidewalk are just a bonus because a war in Ikebukuro has its victims._

_Before you can jump though you feel the telltale buzz of the air as your vision goes very dark. You sway and fall forward. The air swishes around you and you land on someone and it hurts and Shinra is there and again and again._

_You open your eyes. The Saika kid is staring you down with an empty expression on her face. There’s blood on her clothes._

* * *

 

 

Shinra has you locked up. Apparently balancing on the top of your apartment complex and then fainting – thankfully falling on the roof – is not what he has in mind when he thinks of fun. He’s boring.

 

This time it’s not pills that you can throw in an aquarium, it’s an injection and with each passing day it makes your head hurt more. Shizu-chan sleeps on the couch because he is called to pacify you and sometimes you talk to him and try to get him angry but he just ignores you tiredly.

 

The food is horrible and they don’t understand that you won’t eat more than this exact amount, because you have to stay perfect and the same all the time. The less Shizu-chan pays attention to you, the more you try to provoke him.

 

On a Saturday night the Shizu-chan changes to Shizuo and you throw up because you nearly died that night on the rooftop. You head home with the aid of a switchblade and don’t show up in Ikebukuro for weeks.

 

* * *

 

“Shizu-chan should take care of his own business,” you answer.

 

“Why though? Are you afraid of telling someone?” he smirks.

 

You frown and have the urge to throw something at him (ridiculous, as if throwing things isn’t _his_ job).

 

“No, I simply don’t think that your protozoan brain could grasp such a concept. Wait sorry! Big words, right?” you cut into his flesh with your words, but all he does is smile.

 

“You’re all hissy.”

 

“Go die, Shizu-chan,” you snarl.

 

“Sorry, sorry!” he puts his hands up and the cigarette is in his hand, in his hand, in his hand.

 

“Put that thing away,” you frown.

 

At first he looks as if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about but then he turns to the object that oh-so offends you and questioningly raises his hand up slightly along with it, the smoke slowly crawling its way through air straight to you.

 

“This?” he asks, almost innocently.

 

“On a second thought, _put_ yourself away, far away from me too. The bottom of the Tokyo Bay wouldn’t be bad for start,” you disgustedly turn away from him and try to wave the smoke away with your hands. Despite the effort you can still feel the stingy bitterness slowly seeping into your body.

 

Something snaps behind you (you assume it’s just Shizuo letting his anger get the better of him) and you’re ready to jump and run at the slightest sign of danger, yet not much happens.

 

Turning around, Shizuo is long gone, only a half smoked cigarette lying on the ground. You walk up to it and stomp on it with the heel of your shoe.

 

“Honestly, Shizu-chan, that’s a fire hazard.”

 

* * *

 

You avoid Shinra. You go to a different doctor, an old dignified lady with a sharp smile and not many questions. She’s the only one willing to work with you without previous medical records – after all, she too isn’t exactly on the side of the law. You tell her all you’re comfortable sharing, stating that you “don’t want the drugs to change me, I just want to not ever do anything that stupid again”.

 

She says she can’t promise anything and tells you to come in once a month for injections. She also warns you that if you don’t excuse yourself from the appointment in advance and don’t arrive, she won’t offer any help ever again.

 

“Mr. Orihara, I only give you this one chance. I am not a very patient woman and there’s too little time on my hands,” she clarifies, sharp nails holding a pen in one hand as she scribbles something on the prescription she gives you.

 

“These should improve your mental state overall. I know that you don’t want to _change_ , so I’m just giving you the choice. These would require you taking them regularly, one in the morning and one in the evening. That is 25mg in the morning and 25mg in the evening. It’s good to read the side effects first and if you have any questions-“ she hands you her business card, her phone number underlined in red “-you can call me during my office hours.”

 

She’s strangely intimidating, in the way that no yakuza are, in the way that Shizu-chan’s ridiculous powers have never been. You head home, keeping the prescription in your wallet but never actually planning to use it.

 

* * *

 

Staying out of Ikebukuro honestly seems like the best course of action at the moment. Too many unwanted elements there – Shizu-chan with his disgusting cigarette stench and lately acquired calmness, Shinra with his injections and intentions to lock him up away somewhere safe, Celty with her soft concern. They all disgust you and scare you equally.

 

Shiki visits on a rainy afternoon, none of his men trailing after him (though they’re indubitably waiting just outside of your apartment). His expression is not any different from the usual stern and dangerous face he wears. Still, he does abide by the no-smoking rule you’ve recently started enforcing on all clients and merely sits down on the wide couch, staring at you.

 

“I’d say it’s a pleasure to see you but I also suppose I’m not wrong if I say you’re a bringer of bad news today,” you greet and sit on the left wing of the couch, smiling slightly, though it doesn’t reach your eyes at all.

 

“I suppose so,” Shiki confirms and slightly turns his body to you.

 

“Good thing we’re not in Rome then,” your eyes sharpen.

 

“I’ve come on behalf of the Awakusu-kai. Of course though, that’s not the only reason I’m here. Mr. Kishitani was very insistent that I do _something_ and I had to check for myself first.”

 

“Well,” you shrug “you’ve checked enough. What’s the deal this time?”

 

“The doctor told me you were unreliable in your current state. In exchange for providing care for my men, he wanted me to stop soliciting services from you,” Shiki says, his eyes firmly watching you.

 

“Of course Shinra would do that…” you chuckle slightly, hand flying up to cover your face. The sound gets stuck in your throat and you have to swallow it down.

 

“I’m to report to the headquarters and I’m in charge of deciding how to solve the _Orihara issue_ ,” Shiki continues. “Mr. Kishitani isn’t the first one to come to us with alarming news. Of course, as I’m in charge of these things, I had to come and _investigate_.”

 

“ _Orihara issue_ , hehe… You’ve even come up with a name for it. Why not just say that the Awakusu wants me dead right now?”

 

Laughter bubbles from your throat. It’s so funny! So funny because this is exactly what this means and still Shiki and his stupid chivalry act like it’s just a minor clash of interests.

 

“I have not said that because it’s not necessarily true. After all, the way of dealing with this particular issue is yet to be decided, though you guessed correctly that some are concerned about all the information about Awakusu-kai that you _do_ have,” Shiki interrupts.

 

You sit up straight, looking right into Shiki’s eyes. Slightly his features soften and he sighs.

 

“Look, nobody’s out to get you at the moment. From our organization at least. After all, my orders matter the most when it comes to dealing with you and Akabayashi is very understanding of your situation. The thing we really do need to clear up is the job you do. It is true that we can’t just let you run around, sniff around our business or handle _transports_ for us anymore. But you’re still our best informant.”

 

“Akabayashi is too soft for his own good,” you grumble and let your guard down, curling up on the couch a bit.

 

“Well it probably comes with the age,” Shiki says in a completely serious tone. The hidden joke doesn’t escape your attention and you snort at it.

 

“I can still work if that’s what you’re getting at,” you sober up. “I have some people working for me and they can work in terrain while I handle all the other stuff. I’m not damaged goods Shiki…”

 

Shiki’s guarded expression slips at that and he comes a bit closer.

 

“I know. You’re still a bit like the child that came to me so many years ago. Very small, very dangerous, very smart. But taking care of yourself is a part of being smart.”

 

Almost awkwardly his hand pats your head and you have to laugh. “Shiki, Shiki, so sentimental.”

 

He grumbles and tries to move away from you but you hold him by the hem of his shirt and lay your head on his lap.

 

“You miss your son a lot, right?” you ask, eyes closed, breathing in the scent of gunpowder.

 

You don’t get an answer.

 

* * *

 

A few months pass. You can count them only thanks to the injections which sting you slightly and make your body heavy with exhaustion. You can’t remember any of your dreams lately and you’re just irritable most of the time. Namie has decided that if you want her to work for you, you have to get her an office of her own, far away from you because she doesn’t want to “deal with your hormonal fucking ass anymore”.

 

So the only one actually coming over to your office is Kida, now so much older and snappy.

 

On most days it feels like a chore simply to get out of bed. You have your computer right next to you and the toilet is across the door so you don’t really need much. Once in a while the rumbling in your stomach forces you into the kitchen only to find out you don’t really have any food left except for some spaghetti and instant miso.

 

Shinra barges in one day, uninvited and still in his disgusting smelly white coat (does he ever wash it? maybe you don’t want to know that). He seems distraught, maybe a little bit angry.

 

“You haven’t been taking your medication,” he accuses as he spots you on the couch only in your pajamas, currently browsing the Dollars forums.

 

“How did you get in?” you retort without looking up. You can see him from the corner of your eye anyways.

 

“Miss Yagiri gave me the key,” Shinra answers. “But that’s not the point. You haven’t come for your injections for over five months. And I heard you haven’t been going out lately.”

 

“I have been going to another doctor, if you have to know. Also I don’t see how that should concern you.” Izaya snaps back, already feeling a headache coming on.

 

“Nobody’s contacted me about your medical records.”

 

“That’s exactly why I chose that doctor,” you explain and clutch your forehead. A dull throb gathers at the back of your skull.

 

Shinra frowns.

 

“I don’t care about your well being. For all I care, you can keep rotting away in here. You’d certainly deserve it for what you’ve done with Celty’s head. She’s the only reason I’m here after all. But listen, if you ever pull another stunt like that again, I won’t care about her pity for you.”

 

His voice is cold, as are his eyes. You observe him with emptiness in your head, interrupted only by the occasional pang of pain. He seems to anticipate a reaction, anger seeping through his ice cold demeanor.

 

He leaves in the end without getting acknowledged in the least.

 

 

* * *

 

Shizu-chan is the next unexpected (and unwanted) visitor to your home. Only a week after Shinra’s dramatic appearance, your door gets busted down. Some things will always stay the same.

 

“Izaya, where the fuck are you!?” he calls out from downstairs. You don’t bother answering because the beast will most likely sniff you out anyways.

 

He does indeed. He finds you in your bed, tapping away at your keyboard.

 

“Before you kill me,” you wiggle your finger in warning without looking up, “let me finish this email. I reckon you wouldn’t like the Awakusu going after you because you interrupted some important business.”

 

“Bastard,” he growls, almost like a feral dog. The comparison is funny so you giggle but then remember the email and finish uploading the necessary files.

 

Stretching your hands above your head, you look up at his face. His hair is much shorter than you remember it – must have had it cut – and he’s not wearing the bartender uniform for once.

 

“What’s this, what’s this? Did you get a makeover Shizu-chan?” you mock-praise.

 

“Things have changed,” he shrugs, abnormally calm.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m sure they have. Which is to say – I don’t think I remember giving you the keys to my apartment?” you cock an eyebrow slightly. Of course you know he had to break down the door – after all you _heard_ it – but it’s fun to tease him.

 

He ignores the remark and sits on the edge of the bed.

 

“Celty told me you haven’t been calling her in for work lately. She’s only had to deal with that Yamori person-“

 

“-Yagiri,” you correct.

 

“Yaguri,” he nods, “and Shinra refuses to tell me anything. Also you’ve been strangely out of the town, so…”

 

“Missed me! Missed me, now you gotta kiss me!” you giggle and he frowns.

 

“Asshole… I’m just checking because I actually have compassion – something you wouldn’t know,” Shizuo defends himself.

 

“Yes mom, I’ve been going to the doctor, yes mom, no mom, blah blah,” you roll your eyes at him.

 

“Not Shinra though, right?”

 

“Not Shinra,” you nod.

 

 

* * *

 

Often, you get nightmares. Dreams don’t come to you easily but when they do come, it’s always the same – white rooms and being closed away from the world. Being forced to swallow down food that burns your throat and being touched and prodded and inspected like a piece of meat in such an undignified way.

 

Disinfection makes your head spin and vertigo gets the better of you – you’ve absolutely started hating it and you avoid hospitals as much as possible. Unpleasant memories haunt you more and more and even as you slowly start venturing outside again (once in a while, that is), you try to avoid anyone who might bring them back.

 

Luck is not on your side when you meet Shizu-chan in Russia Sushi. He’s not alone but with Celty – thankfully the only person who could make this encounter even worse is not present.

 

You try to escape with your box of ootoro before either one has the chance to see you. Instead as you turn around, Celty’s PDA screen is right in front of you.

 

“Come sit with us!” it says, but before you have the chance to decline, she’s dragging you back to her and Shizuo’s table.

 

“I thought it smelled bad in here,” Shizuo affirms solemnly and makes some space in the tiny booth. You glare at him sharply but sit down anyways.

 

“Are you eating… sausage sushi…?” you choke out in disgust, looking at the strange thing on Shizuo’s plate.

 

“Hm yeah, it’s really good, wanna try some?” Shizuo offers innocently.

 

Your eyes widen terribly: “I’d choose death any day before this.”

 

“Your loss,” he shrugs.

 

* * *

 

 

Six months after the first appointment with your current doctor, you take the prescription out of your wallet. You spend the entire afternoon looking the medication up on the internet.

 

The next day you go to buy two packages.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i suppose this story has two possible endings relating to the last paragraphs, depends on how you see it. you can choose which ending is "true" for you in the end.
> 
> if you leave a comment saying what you think happened or just any review at all i will be very glad.
> 
> *in this verse shiki used to have a son. he got killed.


End file.
